I’m having such a tough time excited about it.
I spent my complete life being continuously prodded and poked and picked at by her. It is at all times little issues. Normally large issues too. I just about think about my childhood busted, and I fucking went via a lot (not by her fingers) and got here out with consuming dysfunction and basic excessive criticism of myself.
Nicely she got here into city Friday. I used to be so fucking excited to see my mother as a result of I simply moved out and am lastly dwelling by myself away from my dad and mom. BF and I had been excited to take her to dinner and on the drive there, she simply utterly melted down. “That is such a pleasant space to stroll. You guys ought to be strolling at the least three days every week. Boyfriend are you able to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be sure zzzt_zzzt goes to the gymnasium? If not, simply please go strolling collectively. I urge of you, it is so necessary, that is all I ask of you, apart from being form to my daughter. That is all I urge of you” and many others and many others There was a ton extra and I used to be actually so used to her fucking embarrassing me that I let it slide and did not let it utterly smash the temper.
Time for dinner comes round and each little fucking factor I do is being put below a microscope. She asks very nosy questions on what I am consuming and even chastises me for taking the appetizer (that I ordered) house. Then she asks my boyfriend if he is “actually going to eat all of that on his plate” and asks me the identical. “Wow that is a lot meals” and different feedback like that.
Quick ahead to yesterday when she was about to drop me off. She made a remark about my garments and the way I used to be sporting my pajamas and I flipped my shit. I informed her that being round her makes me really feel terrible. I informed her that all the things I do is unsuitable in her eyes. I informed her how I used to be so fucking embarrassed that she would actually beg my boyfriend to verify I went to the gymnasium.
We did not argue, actually. She broke down and cried more durable than I might seen her cry. Informed me she was anxious about my weight. and that she wakes up at evening crying about it (???). That pisses me off SO MUCH as a result of my progress is just not HERS. My journey is just not HERS. She desires me to quickly drop extra pounds but when I do this, I might most likely acquire it again as a result of I’ve an EATING DISORDER and I NEED to vary the small issues FIRST. Nevertheless it’s by no means adequate for her. I informed her that. And he or she appeared to grasp that. We each ended up crying rather a lot.
However now…? Now I nonetheless really feel so fucking empty and embarrassed. I look into my boyfriend’s face and really feel like a disappointment. I really feel so undeserving of his endurance and kindness. Earlier than she visited, I used to be feeling so assured that I used to be taking the correct steps to shedding pounds, in search of a therapist to assist me, becoming a member of a gymnasium, all of that. However then she simply ruined it. I had achieved a lot to stifle that small important, nagging voice in my head that was filled with self-hatred, inside vandalism and endless criticism… and she or he simply made it come again, louder and stronger.
I need to lock myself right into a room and simply cry right into a pillow. I need to run away from the scenario. I do not know the place to go from right here apart from extra anger and lashing out as a result of I really feel that voice developing and telling me all the things is unsuitable with me and that I am an unsightly monster. That used to occur however then I began to like myself. She undid all of that.
Edit: I am additionally simply unsure easy methods to proceed a optimistic relationship along with her proper now. We’re texting usually however I really feel very pretend about it. I apologized for snapping however I nonetheless really feel troubled in my coronary heart.