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Call me a sadist, however generally I get an enormous quantity of enjoyment from the misfortunes of others. I imply, why do any of us learn downside pages? We don’t actually need the issue “solved”; we like wallowing within the wretchedness of others. Notably sexually. Nobody cares about individuals having time. What we actually need are untimely ejaculators with herpes.

It’s on this spirit that I’m delighted to return throughout an issue that I’ve by no means suffered from and am unlikely to come across: “diet face”.

Final week, the broadcaster Jenni Murray stated she was content material to not lose any extra weight, having misplaced 25kg (4st) after a sleeve gastrectomy, as a result of she didn’t need her face to break down like Nigel Lawson’s. So diet face – individuals getting skinny in center age after which trying gaunt and aged – is a factor! Clearly, it’s extra of a factor for girls, as a result of all the things is. Beauty surgeons, these docs of insecurity, discuss of gravitational descent, eyebrow deflation, jowling and neck laxity. Good.

The actor Courteney Cox as soon as stated: “In Hollywood, to get your backside half to be the best measurement, your face could need to be just a little gaunt.” Or, because the adage has it, at some stage it’s a must to select between your face and your arse. However don’t fear, as a result of none of us have to seem like skulls on sticks due to fillers, which may change your misplaced subcutaneous fats. You possibly can inject all kinds of stuff into your face, in addition to doing one thing known as a “micro-fat switch” .

This actually is trendy womanhood: starve your self silly and work out each goddamned minute to be able to keep young-looking – however don’t neglect to lay our a fortune plumping up your caved-in face.

Or right here’s an thought: chips.

Suzanne Moore is a Guardian columnist